mom meme

2009-04-26 4:03 p.m.

I refused to do that "25 Things" note that spread like wild/fiery herpes around Facebook a few months back. I believed it to be nothing more than masturbation of your ego. No one really cares about what position you sleep in or if you dip your pizza in ranch. You only wish they did. That's why you wrote 25 things that you laughed off as embarrassing but were in fact carefully crafted to be endearing and elicit compliments.

I'm breaking down now, but on my own terms. I'm not writing about myself - because I'll admit, I'm boring. I'm not being self-deprecating to fish for compliments to the contrary. I genuinely sit around all day watching Unsolved Mysteries marathons and playing freetetris.org. My friends can attest to the fact that the only interesting or funny things I ever have to say about my mom. On that note...

1. She calls herself "ah Nancy." Her kids call her "momsicle", "mamon", or "The Man". Never "hell", "Stacy", "her" or "Jane". That's not her name.
2. She's a Jill of All Trades: English teacher (in Vietnam), biology teacher (ESL), real estate agent, cosmetic surgery consultant, machinery office manager, Vietnamese community liason, professional haggler, etc.
3. No one says "methamphetamine" quite like her.
4. She holds mistaken but firm beliefs that all dancers are on drugs, Gavin Newsom is gay, and anything that tastes bad is good for you e.g., papaya.
5. She has a facebook fan club. Join it. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=21373685083
6. Contrary to the overwhelming majority of post-menopausal Vietnamese women, she does not carry a (real) Louis Vuitton bag.
7. She is very fond of Mexican things i.e. tacos, chihuahuas, churros, Mexico, gardeners/maids, the Spanish language, and Selena.
8. She has monstrous calves that you wouldn't believe until you see them.
9. She owns the gamut of the red through purple spectrum. Fuschia is her favorite shade. On a side note, there's no concept of clashing in her mind. She'll wear orange and blue together. She can haz whatever she likes.
10. She once liberally sampled cherries in Chinatown, and when the grocer yelled at her, she spat the seeds in his face.
11. She thinks her children are either going to be wildly successful or running rampant "having the sex" and on "methamphetamine".
12. She's been known to tell the same story five different ways to the same three people (All her kids except Donny, who never picks up his phone).
13. She is only scared of death because that means it's no longer appropriate to take pictures of her. She loves pictures so much that instead of paintings, her room has two 2x3 feet blown-up portraits of herself with the captions, "Beautiful" and "Love," respectively.
14. She openly admits that at least two of her five children were mistakes. Sadly, her kids all know which two.
15. She grew up without a pool. This fact resulted in tragedy when she miscarried her fifth child after jumping into the first swimming pool she owned, despite being a couple months pregnant.
16. This is no longer funny now that she's losing her hair, but she once bought a wig from a Korean merchant in Hollywood after learning about the Watts riots.
17. While most pregnant women crave peanut butter and ham sandwiches, she developed a taste for pigeons roosting on her rooftop while pregnant with her 3rd child.
18. One time when she was emceeing, she took a step clean off a highly elevated stage and landed into the audience. She didn't fall on her face, but rather both feet - later attributing this cat-like skill to high reps, low resistance training in steps class. Her daughter and son rose to their feet applauding and laughing wildly. When asked whose children were being so rude, she said, "I don't know."
19. Each of her children have won the Northern California Moon Festival Children's Pageant once for each time she served as one of the judges.
20. Where most people see an emergency lane on the freeway, she sees a driving lane no one ever uses.
21. You haven't seen life until you've seen her wielding a pick mattock (Google Image it) in a men's muscle tee with the sleeves ripped off.
22. Once there were two squirrels who kept eating her vegetables. "Were" being the operative word. A slingshot being her murder weapon of choice.
23. She claims to have died in Vietnam. Somewhere Amy Tan is smiling.
24. She broke her arm in Vietnam jumping off of a motorcycle.
25. According to her, if you eat a lot of persimmons, you'll be constipated (this can be reversed by eating papaya).

Credit to mi hermano for 50% of this.

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