in heat

2009-04-19 9:13 p.m.

It seems that California has completely bypassed spring. I would say that "Oh, it's just Southern California," but according to my northern friends' twitters (very reputable) the heat is a state-wide problem. Of course the one day that I decided to wear pants - thick black denim - the sun makes waves come off the pavement. My legs pretty much melted.

75% of the malls down here are outdoors, too. Buffalo Exchange had a dollar sale to celebrate Earth Day and benefit the whales today. I had been looking forward to it all week, but all the dollar items were outside in the abusive sun. James was also impatient and antsy. I really need to find someone who likes vintage/thrift shopping. It's times like these that I really miss Julie.

I've decided that all these things that I want to do with my friends but end up not because they have lives, I'll redress as dates. I can't believe I'm saying this... but I need to find a convenient and fun boyfriend. He should be around when I want him to be, but not overbearingly so. And he must appreciate all these great ideas I have that are either free or cheap most of the time.

Friday we meant to go hot air ballooning, but everyone ended up bailing or not waking up in time. I've since gotten a vague offer to come with, but lately - and I mean the past twenty hours, I've been exceptionally awkward. More on that later.

It turned out to be the most gorgeous day. I can't believe I have to admit that. I like bitterly cold but bright blue sky days. Friday was breezy, but in the 70s, maybe erring on the side of 80F. I hate the sun, allergies and merry people around me, but lately I've been obsessed with lounging in the park. I drove over to Christina's house and we went out for a pleasant half hour, chitchatting and getting the tiniest bit of work done. We laid under these buzzing cables that were the harbinger of cancer. Quite scenic.

Afterwards I sped back to Irvine/Tustin to hang out with Amy, Ryan and Christine. We didn't have any definite plans other than to rent a movie and possibly drink a little. Somehow we ended up at Gio and Ting's house - haven't seen them for two months, meeting some genuinely interesting and likeable people, and then slowly but surely passing out to "Zack and Miri Make a Porno".

The next day was the annual Wayzgoose music and renaissance festival on campus. I have never been, and made plans with Tom to go, but sort of stood him up. Okay, not sort of at all. Ryan invited me to go to the mall, and I went knowing all too well that I wouldn't be home. It was an accident that I forgot my phone though; didn't ignore him like that.

Again, drove over to Christina's house to meet up for our night out on the LA town. We went to the UCB theatre in downtown again, this time to see Ed Helms (Andy from the Office) do a puppet show. Kate Flannery (Meredith) also made an appearance, pretty much stealing the show with her disco hips and red hot jumpsuit. Ryan and I made a deal that he would drive there and I would drink early/sober up early to drive back. I drank too much too quickly and half kneed a man in the back, half fell into his lap. One leg on either side of him as I tumbled down the stairs, thus essentially straddle position. God loves me so much that he made it so this was the exact moment that I was switching seats with Christina to be nearer to a boy I was eyeing, who no doubt saw. So it goes when you've got a bottle of gin and tonic in your hand and heels on your clumsy feet.

Christina ended up driving us back to Orange County, but I took over when it came to going around to a couple of bars/lounges in Costa Mesa. First we went to Tin Lizzie's, a gay saloon. Sounds cute? It was. There was sultry red damask on the walls and the doors were dimpled red cushions. I had to come in after the other three because the bouncer would be sure to wonder why a purported 27-year-old was hanging out with a crop of fresh 21-year-olds. I found them in line for the bathroom, alongside a pair of guys that introduced themselves as Richie and Nick.

Richie: I love your bag. It's beautiful. Perfection.
Me: Oh, thanks.

I turn away.

Richie: It sucks that there's a line.
Me: Yeah.

I turn to Christina and try to make conversation with her, but she's busy ordering a drink.

Richie: So yeah, I didn't get your name?
Me: Cat, like the animal.
Richie: With a "c" or a "k"?
Me: With a "c". Thanks for asking.

I know, I make for great conversation and company.

It's finally his turn for the bathroom, and at this moment we wiggle through the crowd to the other side of the room. The people we were there to see weren't there, but there was a likelihood they were at another bar, Kitsch. We started to leave when Richie appeared out of nowhere and grabbed my arm, lamenting that I was leaving already. I gave him an awkward hug, thinking it was harmless and he was a tipsy gay.

"Yeah, sorry. We're going to Kitsch, if you want to come over there later."
"Aw, that's a shame. I'm the only straight guy here and you're the cutest girl."

Hold up. Wait a minute. Back up.

This guy had basically just baited me. My brother Thai has told me before of straight guys trolling gay bars for unwary hags, but I couldn't believe this actually happened to me. He actually made himself seem gay! Complimenting my bag! The creepier thing was, as soon as we got to Kitsch, he showed up. Thank goodness it was dark enough and we were there for little enough that he didn't see me.

We got home at a reasonable enough hour, but I have this habit where I can't sleep until at minimum an hour after everyone else has gone to bed. It wasn't until 3.30am that I finally fell asleep, and I woke up at 9.30 to get ready for the disappointing dollar sale. At lunch with James, we all mused that today should be a day of rest. Afterwards, we came back and watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I'd forgotten how brilliant that movie really is, and how much I loved it. God, I tried so hard to be Clementine Krucynski. Apparently I didn't even have to. James was watching it for the first time, and at more than a couple of moments he exclaimed that it was so "me".

I would pounce on a shy, awkward guy.

Lately I haven't been as boisterous, though. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess I don't need to embellish it. Simply put, I'm lonely. It didn't matter that it wasn't cloudy outside and I wasn't watching it in my underwear while eating tomato soup. ESOTSM still made me melancholy.

I haven't been as self-assured. I just don't know how it works. Today, I couldn't even keep up with some banter. It was shameful. There was also a window of opportunity, and I recognized but ignored it.

Instead I went on a mild date with Ryan. We laid in the park by the lake for an hour or so today; he graded papers, I did some reading. If only Ryan were straight. Or I could find a straight boy like Ryan. Pretty sure that it wouldn't be the same though, and it wouldn't work. Our relationship works so well that it's almost torture but still so pleasant.

I'll just keep treading water like I have been for twenty-one years now for another thirteen.

Oh, and further proof that I am not myself lately: I haven't been taking many pictures. So you have to suffer all these words without visual stimulation. Shrug.

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